Stop Crying Your Heart Out
by shawn-n-belle
Summary: Just when Olivia feels like she is losing everyone: Elliot, Munch, Cragen, she finds herself standing face to face with a very important piece of her past.


Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Summary: Just when Olivia feels like she is losing everyone: Elliott, Munch, Cragen, she finds herself standing face to face with a very important piece of her past.

Pairing: Casey/Olivia

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was nor will be. If it was, the old cast would still be here.

* * *

"Cos all of the stars

Are fading away

Just try not to worry

You'll see them some day

Take what you need

And be on your way

And stop crying your heart out"

-Oasis

Growing up, she always remembered swearing that she would not be this person. She swore that she would never be the person that would be found in a bar after a hard night, that she would never try to nurse her problems away at the bottom of a bottle of alcohol. She swore to herself that she would never drink until she physically couldn't feel the pain anymore. But lately, Olivia Benson finds herself at this local pub time and time again, nursing the same brand of beers until it all starts to hurt a little less.

Tonight is certainly no different.

Realistically, she knew that the officers in the department would eventually drift apart. She knew that some would start families and relocate, others would find better job offers, and some would just simply retire. However, somewhere deep down, she had secretly hoped that the Special Victims Unit would stay just as whole as the day that she first started there. She hoped that Cragen would still be her boss at the end of the day, that Elliott Stabler would be more of her best friend than actually her partner, that Munch would still be hanging out by the water cooler, making inappropriate comments about her packing heat.

She had hoped that her family would stay _whole_.

After all, the Special Victims Unit had been the only family she ever knew. Her mother was an alcoholic and her father was a rapist, who, thankfully, never had anything to do with her. She never knew what it was like to have the solidarity, to have someone care so honestly for her, to have someone be willing to lay down their lives for her, until she joined this department. And now, nearly ten years later, the people that she fell so helplessly in love with have all but slowly left her.

Elliott left.

Munch relocated.

An ADA stayed only long enough to develop a relationship and then leave.

And now- at the end of the year, Cragen is retiring.

At the end of everything, it is just going to be her and Fin. And it's not that she doesn't love Fin, because she does. He is like the protective and slightly inappropriate older brother that she never had. He is still very much family. But, it is not the _same_. In fact, she swears this is what it must feel like for people with a big family, after their parents pass away and their older siblings never stay in contact with them.

And, she _hates_ it.

She hates the nagging empty feeling in the pit of her stomach every time that she enters the prescient and her eyes, out of habit, scan the station to look for Elliott. She hates the loneliness that washes over her late at night when she reaches for her phone and realizes that there is no-one she can truly call to go out and grab a bite to eat with. Suddenly, she cannot help but feel very much seventeen years old again, stuck in the middle of a life that she did not deserve.

Sure, there are new people at the prescient, people who generally care a lot about her. There is Nick, who is a great partner, despite his slick advances. And Amanda, who, she and Fin joke, does nothing but fawn over her, like her words are the last ones that she will ever hear. Barbra is quick witted and always has a way to make her smile. It is not exactly like she is completely alone- but, if you ask Olivia, she might as well be.

Sometimes, mainly late at night, the thought crosses her mind that perhaps, it is her fault. Maybe if she had been a little bit better, or a little bit faster, or maybe if she hadn't been so distant sometimes, they would still be there. Maybe if she hadn't been so pushy all of the time and been able to keep her temper in check, Elliott would have stayed. Maybe if she wouldn't have rode Munch so hard sometimes, he wouldn't have switched departments. Maybe if she would have done something- hell, _anything_, Alex and Casey wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble for her.

Olivia knows it's stupid, she sighs as she takes another long swig of her beer. It is the same kind of mindset that she had a child. It is just like all those nights that she thought that if she was good enough, if she was quiet enough, that if she did all the housework and didn't complain that her mother would love her. She doesn't have control over people's lives like that, but God, she chuckled; sometimes she really wished that she did.

Because all she wants, all she has _ever _wanted, is her old life back.

But she knows that it is long gone now- they have all moved on with her lives and she is beginning to think that it is about time that she does the same. After all, Amanda and Nick weren't _completely_ terrible.

"Here you go, gorgeous." The overweight bartender smiled at Olivia as he sat the drink- which Olivia observed to be a gin and tonic- in front of her. Smiling softly, the brunette's thumb brushes against the rim of the glass, remembering the last time that she had one of these, it had been so very long ago. The last night that she had a gin and tonic was the night before Casey left New York; they had so many that there are still parts of that night that Olivia doesn't remember. Ever since then, she hasn't a gin and tonic, partly because she doesn't want one but mostly because it reminds her too much of the past.

"Um, no thanks," Olivia politely declines with a gentle smile, pushing the glass away from her and returning her attention back to the scribbles that she has been creating on the napkin. However, the bartender doesn't take the drink back; instead, he pushes it towards the detective agai.

"No, the person who bought you this really wants you to have it. I think it's important that you drink it," The bartender smiles at her and Olivia shakes her head gently. Joe was perhaps one of the most precious people that Olivia has ever met in her entire life. He always listens to every story that she has to tell him and he always has the best kind of life lessons to teach to her over her beers. Smiling, she rakes her fingers through her brunette hair as she pushes the drink back.

"No, I am just… not a gin and tonic drinker. But tell the person that I said thanks and that I really appreciate it," Olivia apologizes and Joe chuckles with a wink, taking the glass in his hand.

"Why don't you tell her yourself, Detective?" Joe winks and Olivia wrinkles her brow, titling her head to the side just slightly.

"Excuse me?"

"Funny, the last time I checked, you _were_ a gin and tonic drinker. In fact, you drank an awful lot of it that night. But maybe I was mistaken, that night _is_ a little fuzzy to me after all," A voice calls out from behind Olivia with a devious little chuckle.

A chuckle…a voice…that sounds too much like…

But… it couldn't be.

Could it?

"What, you aren't even going to greet me? I mean, I know that you aren't much for showing affection but I at least expected you to look at me. Jesus," The voice grunts in annoyance, which causes Olivia to turn around. When she does, however, she finds her russet brown eyes colliding with a pair of emerald jades. A pair of eyes that had been so comforting, so unrelenting in helping her deal with the absence of Alex Cabot, a pair of eyes that always knew exactly what to express, a pair that she had never thought she would be able to see again.

"Casey Novak?" Olivia asks, a bright, brilliant grin on her face and the strawberry blonde chuckles, twirling around as she takes a drink from her glass.

"Yes. Who the hell are you?" Casey asks with a chuckle, mimicking the very first time that she met the detective. Olivia laughs with a returning smile of her own, God how long had it been since she smiled like that? An honest, _true_ smile. In fact, it had been so long that the motion almost felt strange as it played upon her lips. Standing up, Olivia throws her arms around the Attorney, holding her tightly against her.

It was meant to be nothing but a friendly hug- but it lingers. Perhaps a little too long, Olivia's arms around Casey and Casey's arms around Olivia's neck, pinned warmly against her body.

Casey is the one who steps out of the embrace first, glancing up through her bangs to study Olivia's oval face. It had been two years since she saw the detective last, two_ long_ years and she has to admit that Olivia Benson is just as beautiful as that she left her.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asks, pulling out a stool next to her and offering Casey a place to sit. Casey smiles with a wink toward Joe as he sits another drink in front of her and turns to face the brunette who is staring so hard at her, that Casey can't help but blush warmly.

"Two years are up, Detective. Cragen called and offered me my job back," Casey explains as she takes a sip of her drink. Olivia smiles, gently brushing her thumb across the neck of her beer bottle. She never expected herself to be face to face with the witty Casey Novak again. After the censure and the fact that Casey had to give up her loft, she never expected the attorney to end up in New York again.

Yet, here she is. All bright eyed and beautiful and excited about life. Casey's _back_ and suddenly everything just feels _better_.

"And you are going to take it, right?" Olivia asks and Casey shrugs softly, a hidden playful smile on her lips, ducking her head to trace shapes upon her glass.

"I told him I would think about it," She sighs, taking a drink of her alcoholic beverage, "I mean, there are plenty of opportunities in New York that I could take. I could teach Law or I could take a job at some other prescient, I don't necessarily have to take the job back at Special Victims." The response made Olivia's heart sink. Of course, it was a stupid idea to think that Casey would jump at the offer to join Special Victims Unit again; after all, it was there that she received her censure in the first place. Perhaps it would bring back too many bad memories for the attorney.

"Oh. Okay," Olivia replied, hanging her head in disappointment. Rolling her eyes with a chuckle, Casey leans over to elbow the brunette in the ribs, catching Olivia's defeated gaze.

"Hey, once you join the Special Victims Unit, it is like the mafia. Once you are in, you are in. I've waited two years to come back to this department; I'm not going to pass it up. There are things that I have been waiting to come back to," Casey smiles, nudging the detective again to lighten up the sadness on her face, "including you, Liv." The last bit, although mumbled more to herself than to the detective, is just enough to cause Olivia's heart to jump in her throat.

"So, you're coming back to the Unit?" Olivia asks, hopefully and Casey nods quietly.

"Yeah. As long as you are okay with having a loudmouthed and stubborn ADA. Because like hell am I going to let you push me around anymore," Casey jokes with a bright smile and Olivia laughs, rolling her eyes as she takes a long swig of her beer. She cannot remember the last time that she felt this way, the last time that she felt so incredibly happy, so_ whole_ before.

"Two years have changed a lot of things at the Unit, Case." Olivia sighs, gently tapping out a rhythm on the table and Casey wrinkles her brow, puckering her lips softly as she looks at the detective.

"What do you mean? Do you have a kid now and are married to a stunning young individual who makes ridiculous amounts of money and treats you like a princess?" jokes Casey, her voice raising an octave in a mimicking tone causing the brunette to laugh. Rolling her eyes, Olivia pushes the attorney softly, causing her body to sway as she allows her hand to linger upon Casey's shoulder.

"No, but if I did, you would be the first person to know." Olivia grins, playfully.

"Why? Because it would be me?" Casey offers with an arch of her eyebrow and Olivia blushes a deep shade of red, pulling her hand back away from the attorney, instead, she clutches tightly to the napkin under the table.

"I just meant that…uh… I…." Olivia stutters, stumbling over her words as she looks down, taking another long swig of her beer. God, why is she _so_ nervous? "Elliott left. Munch changed departments. And Cragen is retiring this year." She finally blurts out and Casey nods her head quietly, gently biting her lip.

"Yeah, I heard that the old crew was beginning to thin out. I've been gone for two years. I didn't exactly expect everything to stay the same. Would've been nice though. I've missed everyone." Casey sighs; looking at Olivia with a small flicker in her eyes and Olivia can't help but smile.

"They have missed you too." Olivia beams with an ever so gentle wink and Casey returns the same gesture, gently placing her hand on the brunette's shoulder lovingly before she takes another long drink of her gin and tonic. It is funny, how even after two years, nothing has seemed to change between the two of them. It is almost as if time has stood _still_.

There is a lull in the conversation as Olivia nurses her beer, looking at Casey, making sure that this isn't just a dream like all the times before, making sure that the blonde is not just going to disappear before her eyes in a blink.

"So, where are you staying? Did you get your loft back?" Olivia asks and Casey shakes her head, wrinkling her nose softly before she turns to face the brunette again.

"No. Right now, I'm staying at a hotel. I don't really think I want my loft back. Maybe I'll get a house or something. I think I'm a little too old to keep my bad girl appearance up," Casey offers with a gentle smile and Olivia smiles warmly at her.

"I mean, you could stay with me," Olivia offers and Casey laughs tenderly.

"What? Do you always pick up strange chicks in bars?" She offers friskily and Olivia shrugs her shoulders with a playful wink.

"Only the ones who practice law."

"You know that we can commit crimes and get away with it, right?" Casey suggests, taking a drink of her gin and tonic, studying Olivia's face softly. It has been two years since she saw her best friend last and it is like time has not affected her even in the slightest. There may be one or two more scars upon that delicate face of hers, but overall, Olivia Benson is the same. And for some reason, unbeknownst to her, that makes Casey's heart race.

"Yeah, what are you going to do? Kill me?" Olivia laughs good-humoredly and Casey grins, making a pretend gun with her fingers and placing it against Olivia's chest, mimicking the sound of a gun firing.

"Maybe. You never know," Casey winks and Olivia can only laugh with a hard roll of her eyes. For a moment, neither of the women says anything, they just simply sit in silence and each other's company. And then, suddenly Casey places her hand upon Olivia's leg with a gentle squeeze, causing the brunette to jump.

"Liv….I….Thank you. For everything that you have done. I know that you fought for me, and I really appreciate that. I've never had someone… do that for me. And I just wanted to say thank you for staying in contact with me. I know how demanding this job is and I'm really glad that you found time to talk to me. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you too," Casey states, a warm flood of tears in her eyes before she sucks in a quick breath and blinks them away, "and I promise, I'm not terribly offended that you rejected my drink. I guess I can forgive you. You just don't know what you're missing." She winks and Olivia bites her lip with in a bright, brilliant grin.

"I'm really glad that you're back, Casey." Olivia nods, running her fingers through her hair and Casey nods as she slowly stands, laying money down on the bar to cover both of their tabs.

"Me too." Casey states, pulling on her coat as she studies her friend, "what do you say we go back to your place and you can catch me up on cases, Detective? Or… other things?" She winks and Olivia grins, standing as she quickly puts on her leather coat, flipping her hair from under the collar.

"Yes, Counselor." Olivia grins, grabbing her keys but Casey quickly grabs her hand, giving it a hard squeeze, causing russet brown eyes to collide with emerald jades.

"I… I missed you." Casey whispers and Olivia can't help but smile at the attorney. Casey looks down, fumbling with the keys in her hands before she glances back up at the detective, "I'm not… I'm not Alex. I'm not going to leave. Not again. I'm sorry that I did." There is vulnerability in her voice that makes Olivia's heart just completely shatter.

Instead of saying anything, however, Olivia wraps her arms around the petite woman, pulling her into a long hug that once again, lingers too far. Her arms wrapped protectively around Casey just to make sure that she doesn't go anywhere ever again and Casey buried into familiar arms, breathing in the familiar scent of home.

"I missed you too." Olivia replies in a soft whisper.

Never, in a million years, did she imagine her night ending this way. Never did she imagine that in the middle of losing everything that ever meant anything to her; she would gain the most important piece of her past. The most important piece of her.

Casey's back. Granted, she did not bring Elliott, or Munch, or Alex, or even Cragen with her. But she is back and she is returning to Special Victims as the ADA.

Suddenly, it is all just… okay.

Suddenly the world doesn't seem like it is ending, her heart doesn't seem like its breaking and happiness does not seem like it is so far away. And maybe that has to do with Casey- or maybe it doesn't, all that Olivia Benson knows is that right now, she is the happiest she has been in a while.

And Casey Novak's return has _everything_ to do that.


End file.
